Oh, breastfeeding. Such a beautiful bonding experience. Right? I’ve been breastfeeding my son for 13 months now, and I don’t see signs of weaning any time soon. And though I absolutely love nursing Jackson, it hasn’t always been the sweet, picture perfect bond that breastfeeding is often made out to be.
I’ve learned the truth about breastfeeding. This is my story.
I always knew I wanted to breastfeed my child(ren). I thought of it as something that would just “happen,” so I didn’t worry too much about it. I was so wrong. So, so wrong.
Jackson had trouble latching from the get-go, and I can’t even tell you how many lactation consultants came to offer help during our stay in the hospital. When I expressed that it was painful, I was told numerous times “it shouldn’t hurt.” But it did. It hurt so bad.
“Maybe he has a tongue tie. You should take him to a specialist.”
“Try holding him in a different position.”
“Make sure to squeeze your breast so it fits fully into his mouth.”
“Don’t let him latch until his mouth is fully open, and don’t let his bottom lip get tucked under.”
“It’s been too long since he last ate, you need to get him latched.”
These were the things I kept being told. And I kept trying. But I felt like I was doing something wrong because it was just not going well. The day we went home from the hospital, my nipples were bleeding. And they continued bleeding for the next few days. I was told the blood mixing with my milk wouldn’t hurt Jackson. That made me feel so much better about the fact that MY NIPPLES WERE BLEEDING. Not.
Our first night home was MISERY. I hate to say that, but it was. I was in complete agony trying to feed him, we were both crying hysterically, and I just couldn’t do it. Austin, the voice of reason in our family, went to Walgreens at 4:00 in the morning to get a bottle of formula so Jackson and I could both have some relief.
I felt like a failure.
I did not want to give my baby formula. It sounds crazy today, but in that moment, I thought “how can I not even feed my baby?”
The mom guilt was REAL.
Over the next few weeks, I continued nursing and supplementing with pumped milk and formula when I felt like I needed a break, which was often. We tried nipple shields, all the awkward positions I could think of, and every technique Google had to offer. I spent my nights crying in pain while my sweet little boy, and my husband, had no idea how much I was struggling.
I put so much pressure on myself to breastfeed. I just HAD to do it. Breast is best, right? Even when I wanted to give up, and I really wanted to give up, I made myself suck it up and keep going.
Luckily, Jackson and I were successful. It took about 8 weeks, but the pain started going away. Or I just lost all feeling in my nipples. Whatever. But it did get better. So much better, that here we are at 13 months old, still going strong.
I learned so much from this experience and it’s given me a new perspective on motherhood. If you’re having trouble breastfeeding, here’s some advice from a mama whose been there:
DON’T PUT SO MUCH PRESSURE ON YOURSELF. Us moms will carry the weight of the world on our shoulders for our babies, no matter how it makes us feel. Don’t put yourself through hell because you believe “breast is best.” It’s one thing to put in the effort to get the hang of nursing, but it’s another to compromise your emotional (and physical) well being for it.
IT FUCKING HURTS. And that’s normal! Maybe it doesn’t for everyone, but I can’t imagine how it would NOT hurt at the beginning. It’s going to take some time to get accustomed to the sensation; having a little human ravenously suck on your nipples is not something you’re used to.
FORMULA IS NOT BAD. It feeds your baby. Maybe it’s not ideal for many moms, but when you’re struggling with nursing, take advantage of this option. Supplement. Give yourself a break. It won’t be the end of the world, and I guarantee your little one will love it and be just as happy.
PUMP. Pumping does not squeeze your nipples as hard as your baby’s mouth will, so give it a try. Pump your milk and give your little one bottles sometimes (or all the time!). He/she gets breastmilk, you get a break. It’s really the best of both worlds.
So many moms want to exclusively breastfeed, which is absolutely amazing. It really does create a special bond with your little one and it feels good knowing you’re nourishing his/her little body. But it’s not always beautiful.
The truth is, breastfeeding is hard. It can be completely draining, physically painful, and emotionally taxing. If you’re struggling, know you’re not alone. I’ve been there. So many of us have been there. Don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re doing something wrong, or that it shouldn’t hurt, or that there must be a tongue or lip tie issue (unless a doctor has confirmed this). Sometimes it’s just plain hard for no reason other than it just fucking IS.
So do what’s best for YOU and your baby will be so much better off with a healthy, happy mama. Let’s share our stories, especially the hard ones, and come together as a community of women who don’t have it all together.
Here’s to you – my fellow raw nippled, teary eyed mama. I feel you.
