860 days. That’s how long I breastfed Jackson for. 123 weeks, 28 months, almost 2 ½ years. A LONG ASS TIME. I honestly never planned to breastfeed that long, nor did I ever think we would last that long. I figured he’d wean himself at some point, but for the last year of our journey, it felt never ending.
Jackson didn’t start out as a good nurser. We had some serious struggles at the beginning. If you haven’t yet, check out my post on our breastfeeding journey here. As time went on, we had a rhythm and got the whole nursing thing down. We both got comfortable with it; one of us a little more comfortable than the other. Hence the lack of self-weaning. Anyway, it was easy for me to fall into the habit of continuing to breastfeed on demand. Even for a toddler who only wanted it for comfort. So, up until the month prior to stopping, Jackson was nursing probably 5-10 times/day. I know some of y’all may not think this is a lot, and it may not be out of the ordinary at all, but for me it was draining. I was SO over it.
I like to think I’m pretty good about picking my battles with my toddler. Some things are just not worth the fight. But in the case of breastfeeding, I chose NOT to battle his screams when I told him “no.” I just continued to give in because it was easier. I think a lot of us moms do this. After all, it’s hard to tell your little one “no” to something that comforts them. And let’s be honest, it feels good to know your baby/toddler wants to be close to you.
So, when is enough, enough? For me, I got over the biting (my super EXTRA reactions helped teach him to watch his teeth), I didn’t care about the judgment because my kid was half my size and still nursing, and I was used to stopping what I was doing to sit and nurse him for 10 seconds every hour. For me, enough was enough when I emotionally stopped feeling the connection. It got to the point where, when we would sit and nurse, I didn’t feel connected to him. I didn’t feel like we were bonding. I felt emotionally strained.
I hope this doesn’t come off sounding like I felt no emotional connection to my kid. I, of course, do. This is only related to breastfeeding. It just became a chore. And a chore without an allowance, or even feeling of accomplishment, honestly.
I just didn’t want to do it anymore.
I knew it was time for us to bond in other ways, and for me to be able to comfort him better without the use of my nipple. So I decided to start weaning.
I thought about doing all the crazy things you read online – putting tape over my nipples, cabbage to dry out the milk, even using a charcoal mask over them to “scare” him. But, as much as I wanted to stop, I didn’t want to make it any harder for Jackson than it had to be. I surely didn’t want to traumatize him with the image of black, dead nipples.
I gave myself small, attainable, goals and decided we would cut down to only 3 nursing sessions per day. One in the morning, one after school, and one before bed. I told him no every other time he asked. Once he got used to that, we would cut out one more at a time. It really only took him about a week to stop fighting me, and it was probably harder for me than it was for him.
Then, we took out the after school session. I immediately made him a snack once we got home, then we went and played in his room. I kept him nice and distracted so that he *hopefully* wouldn’t even think about it. And to my surprise, it worked! He had almost no issues making this transition.
Our next step was to cut out the nighttime session. We’ve had the exact same bedtime routine since Jackson was 4 months old, so I was definitely nervous about this one. But again, daddy and I kept him nice and distracted and dad read him as many books as he wanted for the first week, until he got used to no mommy snuggle time.
We were finally down to one nursing session per day. The hardest one – the morning. Jackson loves to snuggle in bed with me first thing in the morning, it’s how he gets his day started. By the time we got to this point, I had already found out I was pregnant and I had literally zero energy. In theory, waking up early to skip our morning snuggle sesh was the way to go, but since my child already wakes up at the crack of dawn, mama just couldn’t do it. So this session stayed in play for longer than I would’ve wanted.
Then one day the unthinkable happened – Jackson woke up and DIDN’T ASK FOR BOOB. I don’t know what got into him, but he just didn’t ask. He went about his morning like he forgot all about it. I was so shocked but I knew I had to go with it. I didn’t offer it, or give in, for the rest of that day. Once Jackson was in bed for the night, I cried because it was the first day since he was born that he didn’t breastfeed at all. And HE initiated it. It was such a bittersweet moment, I didn’t know if I was more happy or sad. But I knew it was over. He made the decision to not nurse that morning, and he made it through the day just fine, so I knew there was no turning back. And that was it. He never nursed again.
He did ask for it every morning for the first probably 2 weeks after that, but he really didn’t fight me when I told him no. I felt like I waited so long for that day to come, then BAM, it was all over. I kept trying to “remember” what our last session was like. I didn’t know the last time would be the last time.
If you're in a similar situation, my advice to you is this: END IT. You are allowed to decide to stop nursing whether your child wants to or not. You're not a "bad mom" for being so completely over it that you would rather wear an inaccessible space suit than whip your boob out on demand to nurse for 30 seconds. If you're over it, you're over it! Who cares anyway? Put your boobs away, pat yourself on the back, make a plan, and WEAN. THAT. KID. They'll still love you, I promise.
I’m so extremely grateful that I was able to breastfeed for so long (860 days to be exact, but who’s counting). I’m proud of myself, and I’m proud of Jackson. We overcame a lot and I will look back on our breastfeeding experience and know that it made us both better people. I can’t say I loved every minute of it, but I loved it as a whole. It does, however, feel damn good to be free.
