First, let me preface this post by saying I AM GRATEFUL. I’m grateful for my life and what I have. I’m grateful for my family, who are all safe and healthy. I’m grateful for my husband who works his ass off to support us. And I’m grateful for all of the little things that make everyday good. But I battle with pretty bad anxiety. Not fearful, thoughts of doom anxiety. But I VERY easily get overwhelmed and uncertainty does not sit well with me. I really do have a positive outlook on life but the journey of going through each day is what’s hard for me.
Now, that being said, I AM allowed to bitch and complain and be upset. I’m human. This Coronavirus has turned my life upside down. As it has for millions of people. This post is probably not going to be my most helpful, or inspiring, or positive. But I’m doing it anyway because things are weighing on me right now and this is my outlet.
When the virus was first making its way into the US, I was with most people and not really worried about it. I could never have fathomed that it would get this bad. So I continued just living life. Going to work, Jackson was going to school, we were in the process of applying to buy a house, and getting ready to welcome a new baby in June. Quickly, things started escalating, and more people were becoming infected and DYING, so I decided it was time to take it seriously. I was only going into work when I needed to, not running a bunch of errands, and keeping the house and us clean and sanitized. Then the shit week happened.
On March 16, Jackson got sent home from school because he was coughing. He hadn’t been coughing all weekend (or I wouldn’t have sent him) and the school was being cautious, which I appreciated. Austin picked him up from school and I stayed home with him the rest of the day. I didn’t feel like I should send him to school the rest of the week with everything being so risky. He was perfectly fine, but I wanted to be safe. “Quarantine” had officially started.
That was the week that things started getting bad. The more news I watched, the more scared I became. It seemed like a dream that businesses were starting to close and people were stockpiling toilet paper and chicken. I couldn’t help but wonder if things were being blown out of proportion. Turns out, they weren’t. Except the toilet paper thing. That was excessive.
That week, my job ended up closing their doors temporarily, and would only be operating online. Since I worked mainly from home anyway, that didn’t make a major difference in my personal schedule. However, after a week of being closed, the owners of the store I worked for had no choice but to stop operations completely. It was not feasible for the business to run solely online and still stay afloat. So, on March 25, I lost my job. This is the first time I’ve ever been “let go” and it was rough. If you know anything about me or have read my other posts, you know that working is literally part of what makes me whole. I am not made to not work. I am struggling with the fact that I have no control over my own employment status, and that I’ll be missing that part of who I am for an unknown period of time.
That, of course, snowballed; my income is what supported Jackson being able to go to school. I spent so much time finding the perfect school for him when we moved to Dallas. I loved it, and he loved it. And it was SO GOOD for him. I was more than happy to spend the extra money for a Montessori education; it’s what Jackson is made for. Needless to say, taking him out of his school has probably been the hardest part of this whole thing. I’m not capable of giving him what he had at school. He’s so smart and I feel guilty that I can’t give him what he needs as far as challenging and stimulating him. He needs more than me, and right now that’s just not an option. He’ll be stuck with Ms. Mom for a while.
Along that same line, I’m not thrilled about being a SAHM again. It’s not for me. Mentally and emotionally, I’m just not cut out for it. Not only will I have a rambunctious toddler, but in a couple of months, I’ll have a newborn too. I’m having a hard time accepting that, as minuscule as it may sound to some. I love my babies, but I’m not ashamed to say that I do not want to stay home with them day in and day out. I’m afraid I’m going to lose myself again, just as I started figuring myself out.
As if losing a job isn’t bad enough on its own, it’s also possibly costing us being able to buy a house. We were already pre-approved and in the process of looking for the right home. With my income now out of the picture, our financial situation is different and we’re having to start all over again. We’re on a time crunch and need to be moved by the end of May, so the possibility of closing taking longer than 30 days is basically not an option. And since we are on a stay home order until May, we will not be able to go view any homes in person. Meaning we’re going to have to make a decision based on virtual tour and video. First World Problems, I know, but still not ideal.
Speaking of being on a time crunch, we have a baby coming! My due date is June 19, but given that I have some minor complications, there’s a possibility that I’ll need to deliver early. If I do, baby boy will be here closer to the beginning of June. And if that happens, he’ll arrive via scheduled c section. Which scares the shit out of me. I know, as long as he and I are healthy and safe, it doesn’t matter how he comes into the world. I TOTALLY agree with that. But the thought of a major surgery where my baby is being cut out of me is still a little scary. I hope things don’t have to go that route, but it’s something we are preparing for.
And that’s my life. I know there are much bigger problems to have. I’m not having a pity party. I’m just standing up and speaking out about MY feelings, which is something I usually don’t do when it comes to anxiety. I’m writing this because it’s going to help ME. I remind myself multiple times per day how blessed I am and how grateful I need to be. And I am grateful, very much so. But I worry about the future. Don’t we all? In my head and my heart, I KNOW everything is going to be fine. I truly believe that. For me and my anxiety, it’s the unknown of HOW I will get to the “everything’s fine” stage of all of this. It’s hard to navigate to the light at the end of the tunnel when every major part of life is uncertain. This is the prime time for anxiety to take over me. And it’s creeping in. I am trying to stay positive and remind myself that the way we get to the good stuff doesn’t always matter. And the journey there is only temporary. It’s so hard to have to battle yourself over things you can’t control. It’s more than just thinking positively, or making the most of a situation, or being told “don’t worry.” It’s a literal, constant, conscious fight within yourself to not let anxiety take you down. And I’m doing my best to win.
